Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
