just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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