Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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