Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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