He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I stole a fireplace last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
