I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
