glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
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