I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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