i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
