When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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