i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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