Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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