I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
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This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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