I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
