If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
