Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
