Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
