first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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