i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize