why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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