My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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