I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
