Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
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Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
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I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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