cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm passing your future prison.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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