Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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