I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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