You just made me feel so damn special
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
