If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
