i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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