basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
