i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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