guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
