Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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