Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
