I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
so much tequila, so little girl.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
