ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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