My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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