my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
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I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
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Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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