I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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