The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
