im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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