six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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