I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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