hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
