so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
