I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
