Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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