So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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