Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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