had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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