McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
