Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
