I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
