is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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