Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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